As per request, audio of when we learned about some various barring. Me, Andres, and Jared were sitting around waiting for Kenneth, Thai, Mitchell, and Brandon to finish their game of league of legends when Ty Kaufman decides to be a super bro and tell us a cool story.
Even before the games begin, Shyam has struck fear into the heart of the white community. In an effort to resist this new coconut force, Mason, Ty, and Jake (Who has the most original and innovative name, "Shyamsgay") have decided to change their names en masse to intimidate the new comer. Will
So this fantasy football draft is in less than an hour and I am not worried at all, as most of this year's crew is the same as last year's, and last year's was the easier league i've ever played in. Of course I cruised to the championship game where Randy beat me by accident, and have a 107% chance of doing so again.
In case anyone has forgotten, last year we had an 8 person league comprised of four asian nerds studying computer science / neurobiologyengineering and four various white honors jocks. The white kids were confident that they knew football better than the asians but they carelessly neglected to remember that fantasy football is a computer game. At the end of the season, all top four spots were taken by asians and all the whites were clumped at the bottom of the league.
First Place was Randy Hiroshige, who won by complete luck. This guy only had the 5th most points scored in a league where the top 4 move on to the playoffs, indicating he had the easiest schedule of all time. Furthermore, the guy was the last seed and barely beat out jake for that spot.
I had second place because I was drafting Randy last year in order to surpass him into first place this year much like olympic cyclists do.
Third Place belonged to... WILLIAM PENG. This virgin had no idea what the fuck he was doing in the draft so he decided to clog up his roster with a carbon copy of the roster of the New England Patriots. Somehow, this caused him to get the #1 seed and have the most points at the end of the year. This only goes to show that randomly fucking banging your head against the keyboard still beats out tryhards further down on the list.
(ANYONE BELOW THIS POINT FARED WORSE THAN WILLIAM PENG)
Fourth Place belonged to Thai. I would trash his team but he decided that he couldnt take any more trashtalk because his balls have fallen off and decided not to come back this year, hes the only guy who didn't. (Watch those estrogen levels yo)
Fifth place was held by Kevin Meagher, who coincidentally had the closest relations with the asian group at school. This boy goes around proclaiming himself to be the biggest cocksucker of the Packers that has ever existed, but his team had the Chicago defense as its starting defense and had Percy Harvin as its best wide receiver. Also, Kevin has this strategy where he goes around being a pussy all week before the game saying things like "OMG IM GOING TO LOSE I KNOW IT", only to start trashtalking if he gains a lead during the game "LOLGGFAGGOT", only to lose the game and the end and ragequit skype. (see video)
Sixth was Ty Kaufman. Now this guy decided he was going to go big plays and attempt to intimidate kevin by having his fantasy team named "GG KEV U MAD?" The only problem here is that he fucking ended up lower than Kevin in the rankings. Also, this moron decided it would be a good idea to start Peyton Hillis at running back, the white guy running back (LOL).
Jake Lotwin held the esteemed position of being the second worse in the league. Of course everyone saw this coming when used his number one draft pick to select Arian Foster, a guy who everyone but Jake knew was injured and was going to be unable to play for the first few games of the league. The guy also pumped his team full of Chargers for some reason.
Now the worst player in the entire league was Mason Levy, which is pretty fucking sad because he was clearly trying desparately not to suck as much dick as he ended up sucking. The average amount of moves made by a team was 19, Mason made 30 moves (the most) in an attempt to get himself out of the dumpster but was just unable to do so because his diaper was too soggy. He also likes to randomly complain by posting messages in the public board that have horrible fucking english
"I would like everyone to notice that i have the mod points against me by a lot compared to everyone else and I am up there for points for. I do not deserve to be in 7th place. Jake on the other hand, does suck. that is all." Well mason, you ended up lower than jake on the rankings so please stfu k.
And that wraps up the returning players, new players are Daryl Frigialiasdnaisn, Chris Rierdon, and SHYAM RAVICHANDRIANIA. I imagine they are all trash.
I have no idea why I was spamming in all caps before.
Please be informed that a "donthaveacao" tumbler is not actually me but a combination of Kenneth Lam and his best friend with benefits (LOL) Megan Camballa
"Remember when I called Kevin a fagbag?"
The latest victims of a losing bet with me, Jake Lotwin and Thai Nguyen had to sing various songs of questionable masculinity.
First off, is this Jake character who foolishly believed that he knew something that I didn't in government (<--- LOL) . After confirming facts with Sterling, Jake admitted defeat and sang Skater Boy (or "Sk8r Boi") by Avril Lavigne.
As you can tell, Jake was quietly whispering into the mic at best and his voice had to be amplified several times.
HOWEVER, at least he swiftly completed his task as compared to this "THAI NGUYEN" person who delayed his sentence for weeks on end because " DUDE I DONT WANT MY PARENTS TO HEAR ME OMG"
Finally, his parents decided to leave the house and Thai quickly booted up the skype and told me "DENNIS FUCK DO IT NOW DO IT NOW QUICK QUICK"
[8:03:07 PM] Thai Nguyen: DUDE
[8:03:09 PM] Thai Nguyen: I"M READY
[8:03:11 PM] Thai Nguyen: QUICK BEFORE
[8:03:16 PM] Thai Nguyen: MY PARENTS COME BACK
ok son you better sing well since theres nobody there to judge you eh
EVERYTHING GOING SUPERB IN FANTASY FOOTBALL I SHOULD BE CRUISING TO AN EASY VICTORY TO SEAL MY NUMBER ONE STATUS ON THE INTERNET but then lesean mccoy gets injured after only getting a measly 4.5 yards, sealing my fate as a slobbish number 2.
However, this fate is much better than the fate suffered by Mason levy, who appeared to be on the rise and almost made it to the playoffs, only to be outskilled by kevin meagher and then... JAKE LOTWIN, and ended up in last place cause hes bad.
An even worse fate was suffered by Thai nguyen, who foolishly bet me in the semifinals that he would win the match. Well, turns out he lost and he has to sing "a thousand miles" by some venessa chick as well as hold up what is going to be a rather humiliating sign all the while wearing my eagles jacket and eagles cap.
his song will then be put up with jake's song for an epic poll
also ZQ's team ended up being all hype and got a dissapointing 3rd place (badkidismad)
Mitt Romney was never the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, his poll numbers apparently have a cap at around 25-28%, meaning the more conservative Republicans (Myself included) should represent well over 60% of the Republican electorate and should be able to easily elect a much more right leaning candidate than Romney. The following chart of poll numbers confirms how Romney's numbers have been stuck at 25 while numerous candidates have exceeded him at different times.
However, the fucking problem here is that there are way too many damn lines on that graph. Gingrich, Perry, Bachmann, Santorum, and to a much smaller degree Paul are all fighting over the exact same voters, fracturing the conservative vote and giving Romney a slight edge because he has a monopoly over the moderate vote. However, if it were just that, Romney would still lose because even with many candidates fighting over the conservatives, there has always been one candidate that manages to rally enough of them to gain an edge over Romney.
What the above poll shows, besides the aforementioned splintering of the conservative base, is Romney's lifeline to the nomination. While at the moment there is a considerable "Anybody but Romney" crowd, that movement will all but disappear if somehow Ron Paul manages to pull ahead. Holy shit do me and other mainstream conservatives hate this guy Ron Paul, who is a libertarian and has a random as fuck foreign policy that scares us all away. If he gains significant momentum and wins several states, all the remaining conservatives will ditch their preferred candidate and run their ass over to Romney in an attempt to stop Ron Paul from winning the nomination.
So all apparently alot of the internet and our resident hippie liberal ty kaufman getting super mad over this "National Defense Authorization Act" because it allows the military to hold people on suspicion of terrorism for as long as they would like. WELL AS IT TURNS OUT you dont actually have to worry about shit unless you are a goddamn terrorist so unless this here kaufman gets all supermad and begins to make several covert trips to pakistan nothing will actually happen.
Also, I'm going to give a hearty ROFL at these hippies because they cant actually stop this bill from passing, as it has bipartisan support (over 80% in the senate) and all the hippies can do is cry on the internet and beat some drums in a giant circlejerk.
Dennis "FloatesMcgoates" Cao.